Knowing James
by Marina-Elise
Summary: As the world around them sinks into chaos, everything begins to change. New alliances are forged, old relationships are reborn, and suddenly every decision counts. Soon Lily will find that nothing is as it seems and secrets lay around every corner.


**Disclaimer: I am not making any profit off of this writing. The world and characters are either borrowed from or inspired by JKRowling's Harry Potter series. **

James sat within a small alcove that overlooked most of the lake. His face was settled into a blank, serious expression, something that only happened very rarely when he was completely alone. These days though it seemed that more and more often current events weighed so heavily on his mind that he had to fight to keep his blasé reputation in place. He closed his eyes and rubbed a strong, callused hand over them tiredly. In his other hand he held a letter from home, one that he had waved about with a bigoted smirk in the great hall. He forgot now how he had explained a letter being delivered on an emergency basis, probably something about how his parents simply couldn't wait to mail him their praise about his winning the last game. Honestly, he was so used to spewing nonsensical arrogance that he rarely paid any attention to what he said anymore.

Only the Marauders knew the truth, and even then only vaguely. James did everything in his power to help and protect his friends and saw no sense in bogging them down with his own problems. He had seen all three of his closest friends at their lowest and worst. He'd quietly taken his first close friend into his home after seeing Sirius's tortured face and battered body when his mother had crucio'd him into submission and then tossed him onto the streets. Sirius had later been disowned for 'running away'. He'd sat in companionable silence with his side pressed up against Remus's shaking form after a particularly bad full moon and calmly healed the young lycanthrope's attempts to end his own life. He'd stood watch at Peter's bedside for three full nights, never once succumbing to sleep, after vicious bullies had attacked the boy when he was alone and then slowly and carefully taught him how to defend himself.

They had all three been through more than enough in their lives, especially Sirius; they didn't need his problems cluttering their lives further. And so, after waving boisterously to his friends and laughing a quick excuse, James had slipped away from the crowds to read the letter he had known was coming in solitude. The words seemed to blur together after he reread them for what seemed like the billionth time. He had expected it, had known what would be coming, but that brought him little comfort. In the end, he was still left attempting to process the inevitable truth that his mother was dying and his sister would never perform magic again.

His parents were older, even for wizarding standards. They had waited to have children until they felt that they were ready to give up their lives as powerful and respected Aurors. Corvus Potter had been the Head of the Auror Department for several prosperous years and his wife Sybella was one of the most powerful hit wizards under the Ministry's command. They had retired after he was born, and even felt comfortable enough to have another child—his beautiful baby sister Lyra. If only things could've stayed that simple. If only this "Riddle" person had not begun to actually gain power. His father had explained the grave situation to James wholly as soon as it became apparent that his and Sybella's services would be required to combat the man who was quickly becoming a terrorist of significant threat. They were not a family built on secrets.

Corvus had told his son that Riddle was a very brilliant half-blood wizard who had been born into the Gaunt family. He knew this from Dumbledore, so it was good information. Unfortunately, it was all back alley whispers and high blood rumors from there. He had ended up in an orphanage in any case, where Dumbledore had apparently found him and then brought him to Hogwarts. Sybella had spoken to Dumbledore and gathered from his rather roundabout way of offering up information that Riddle had only been born thanks to some form of very powerful magic that bound the muggle father to Merope Gaunt. Somehow Riddle had twisted the truth around in his head until in his mind his father had only abandoned them because of his fear for Merope's power as a witch, though it seemed as though the father in reality had never known that truth. Since gaining power, Riddle had been spreading anti-muggle and muggle-born sentiment, going so far as to say that half-bloods were also inferior and that those purebloods that intermingled with muggle-borns were traitors to the wizarding community.

It made James sick.

He saw the papers, and he knew just what was hype and what wasn't, thanks to his parent's frequent letters. He heard the dark undertones in the way the professors at Hogwarts spoke, recognized the way parents kept their children close and secure on the seemingly harmless streets of Diagon alley. He'd seen his father appear at the door in the early hours of the day during the summer, face troubled and hands shaking. He'd been there when his mother had apparated home only to run to the bathroom, sick from something she'd witnessed despite having been a hit witch for nearly a decade. He knew just why Riddle's followers were called 'Death Eaters'. That the cause of all of this pointless bloodshed inducing pureblood supremacy was a demented half-blood so sick about his own blood status that he had to destroy everyone else with the same 'weakness' made James's own 'pure' blood boil.

And now, because of this deranged hypocrite, his family was falling apart. An attack on muggle London had left his mother and sister irrevocably damaged. His hands curled into fists of their own accord and the letter was suddenly consumed in flames. Steps coming down the hall towards him woke him from his thoughts, and he schooled his features into a relaxed smirk. When the source of the noise stepped around the corner though, his expression changed into one of disgust and disdain. As soon as James's figure was visible to Severus Snape the Slytherin sneered and stuck his nose in the air. He made to go past the boy without stopping and James looked as though he wasn't planning on saying anything either, but then Severus spotted the burning letter and opened his mouth.

"What, lose your temper because your mother's not sending you enough sweets, Potter?" Severus sneered.

James stood at once, and it seemed as though Severus realized that he had chosen the wrong time to bother him because he took and unconscious step back from James's furious figure. "You ought to watch your fucking mouth Snivelus. It might get you into trouble. Especially with that Death Eater trash you like to scum around with."

Though he was surprised at the vicious bite in James's voice, he discounted it as the Gryffindor simply showing his true colors. "Oh and your…_friends_…are so much better?" Severus sneered, his lip curling up in disgust. "Please your _company_ makes it obvious that you're nothing but a filthy blood traitor. You're worse than a _mudblood_, filth like you and that dog of a black _choose _to betray good blood." James's wand was at the dark-haired slytherin's throat faster than Severus could blink and the cold, unyielding fury in those eyes caused his heart to pound in his chest as he recalled Lucius's words of warning.

"_Your desire to put those who belong in the dirt in their place is admirable. I'd watch that young Potter, though. There is deeper and darker magic running through those veins then even you might be capable of. He nearly killed Bellatrix Black. She threatened him, and he threw her through a wall. He was eight." Lucius eyed the Potter in question from across the hall with a mixture of disdain and grudging respect._

_The first year Snape stared at James, who was laughing uproariously with his friends and looking like an idiot. "Him?" Severus repeated with disbelief evident in his voice. "He barely manages to pass his classes." _

"_Those who do not actively flaunt their true strengths are often those who have the most strength to hide," Lucius answered wisely, remembering the almost terrifyingly powerful wizard he had been introduced to mere days ago. _

Looking into the sharp, bright, deathly focused eyes in front of him now, Severus was more apt to believe that story. James dug the wand into the smaller boy's skin and practically hissed, "And just whose oh-so-preciously pure blood is it that I am traitor to, hmm? Yours? Your Prince mother, who would've died at the thought of you mixing with pathetic rifraf like 'muggle-borns' and 'half-bloods' and 'blood traitors'? I suppose that could be true… it's funny though, I've never heard of the pure line of Snape," James paused and his eyes flashed angrily, "oh, that's right, it's because your father is a goddamn muggle. Well then, I guess that just makes you a pathetic piece of hypocritical trash, so desperate to destroy your own life that you ruined your only friendship and instead turned to people who will eventually kill you for your disloyalty." Severus's eyes widened as he wondered how the Gryffindor could possibly know so much about him.

Sharply releasing the smaller boy, James turned on his heel to leave before stopping and saying in a voice more frigid then ice, "You make me sick. I will never be a traitor, and you will never be anything but one."

Severus slid against the stone wall, barely remaining upright. He realized then that James had unconsciously been pinning him to the wall with unrestrained magic and shuddered as he realized how close he might have just come to being thrown through a wall himself. In the pit of his stomach however, his pride would not let him take such a harsh blow without attempting to defend himself and so he made to call out something horrible after James.

As though sensing Severus's intent, the Head Boy paused in mid stride and stood stalk till. His voice, low and terrible, made Severus's blood run cold. "One day you will wake up and find out that Lily Evens is dead. Because she is bright she will have fought back and so their wrath will be terrible. Because she is beautiful, they will not kill her immediately after they over power her. Instead maybe they will use her as an example. After all, she's Head Girl and an icon of strength for the muggle-born community," James ignored the sharp intake of breath that followed his cold statement, assuming it came from Severus. "When that day comes, Severus, I hope you wallow in the hell of knowing that every moment of her suffering came because of you. That every drop of blood she will shed is blood on your hands."

"I'll…" the thin, wiry boy looked scared suddenly, and very small, "I'll never…she'll never be…"

James, understanding Severus's pitiful argument, said in an even tone, "because of you, and pathetic hypocrites like you, she is as good as dead." He walked off calmly, his strides long and confident.

Severus's heart felt like it was going to beat right out of his chest. He didn't wish harm on those of half-blood or muggle-born status. He only felt that the muggle and wizarding communities should be kept completely divided. He didn't believe his muggle father should be allowed to be involved in his and his mother's lives. They were above him, above all muggles! He hadn't considered that Lily might be harmed in all of this though; he'd always assumed that he would be able to protect her, that she would be his. With a heavy heart and a lot on his mind, Severus began to walk to his next class.

Once he was out of sight, Lily breathed heavily from where she had hidden herself just behind a large suit of armor. Even though she knew that James had only said all of those things to anger Severus, her heart was pounding furiously and fear was clutching at her throat. It was not the first time she had considered what impact the terrorists might have on her and her family, but it was the first time someone had spoken of it aloud so…so frankly, so terribly. It didn't help that in her heart she wondered whether James had indeed only spoken so graphically to bother her ex-friend, or if that was actually the future he saw. She'd never seen him look so serious, so mature, so troubled. She'd meant to berate him for leaving the great hall before they'd determined where and when they would meet to make the next prefect schedule. After seeing the way his carefree countenance dropped like a coat he simply shrugged on and off the moment he left the sight of the crowds, she'd curiously followed him at a distance to the alcove.

What she'd seen had shocked her. He'd read his letter, which he'd just bragged about like a loon at the Gryffindor table, with a carefully blank expression, as though he was forcibly pushing away his emotions. After reading it the first time the hand holding it had settled onto his lap and he had pressed his forehead against the window. It was raining outside, and the water trailed down the glass in little rivets. She'd seen what looked tears in his eyes before he'd shut them tightly, but brushed it off as her imagination (Potter didn't _cry_) until he'd read the letter again and one of his tears had fallen onto the parchment. He'd placed his knuckles against the window and simply stared out at the rain falling into the lake for a long time. Lily had considered trying to leave, because she felt dirty, prying into what was obviously a private moment, but she knew it would be impossible to leave without him noticing.

The sound of footsteps startled Lily out of her reverie and she quickly stepped out of and away from the alcove, as though she hadn't been there the whole time. It was a good thing she had thought quickly, because James was fast approaching from around the corner. He stopped immediately when he saw her. "Hey Evans," he greeted, his expression changing from thoughtful and melancholy to cocky and careless in the blink of an eye. It happened so fast, that if Lily had not expected it she would've just brushed it off as a trick of the eye. She wondered how many times she had ignored this, the way he changed his skin as though he was stepping into a role. It pained her, but she knew she had to act normal, as though her opinion on….on _everything_ hadn't just been drastically shaken.

"Potter," she replied accusingly. "I thought we agreed to go over the new prefect schedule at lunch, or did you forget _again_?" This time she was watching, and so she saw the way his eyes suddenly grew heavy with exhaustion, the way his shoulders slumped slightly in defeat, before he flashed a careless smile and opened his mouth to spew out some made up excuse. It was almost sickening to watch because it was so natural, like turning on a light.

"Whatever," Lily said quickly before he could speak, "let's just talk about it in the Head common room tonight, alright? I'm sure you just had other things on your mind." He looked flabbergasted, and she turned on her heel immediately and began to walk away quickly so that she didn't have to see his shocked face any longer than absolutely necessary. Was she really so awful that he had to look as though she'd just professed her undying love to him? All she'd done was offer a small courtesy. She couldn't be that bad, right? She couldn't be so bad that even basic niceness from her shocked him. She tried to think back to times when she'd treated him with kindness and respect…and could not recall a single one.

She was still analyzing her treatment of James Potter when she sat down in her regular seat in the Transfiguration class room. He entered a moment later and she glanced up quickly and met his still baffled eyes before quickly looking away. Her cheeks burned and she forced herself not to wonder about that. Suddenly the sound of labored breathing to her right drew her attention, and she turned to see her best friend Emma leaning over and breathing heavily. "Lily!" the blonde cried between deep breaths. "I've been looking everywhere for you! You ran out of lunch before Dumbledore could catch you!"

"Oh, did he say what he needed me for?" Lily asked curiously. Dumbledore rarely called her for anything but Head business, and that was always with James.

Emma shook her head, brushing a long strand of golden blonde hair out of her eyes with a perfectly manicured hand. "No, he just said to find you and tell you to meet him in his office after class."

Lily nodded in understanding, "Alright, thanks Em." She hesitated before asking, "Emma…could I ask you something?" After a nod of encouragement from her friend Lily continued, "do you think I'm…do you think it's unfair, the way I treat Potter? I mean, I'm not…cruel to him or anything?" Emma stared at her like she'd grown a second head.

"Are you feeling alright Lils?" Lily's friend quickly pressed a palm to her forehead, as though checking her for a fever.

The red-head looked slightly offended. "Emma! I'm being serious!"

"Alright, alright, sorry! It's just an odd question, coming from you," Emma raised her hands in surrender. She paused to think before asking, "do you want my answer as your friend, or as someone outside of the situation."

Lily bit her lip, "Um, let's have both."

"Well," the blonde began after a bit of thought, "as your friend I'd say he's provoked you quite a bit in the past and isn't exactly the most tolerable person in the world, so even if you can be a bit harsh, it's nothing less than he deserves. As someone outside of the situation I'd say he's really shaped up this year, in fact he's been nothing but polite to you every time I've seen him. Also he's only really been a git around you because he likes you, and he only really bullies…well _that_ group of Slytherins and to be honest that's not something I exactly disapprove of, considering everything they've done to everyone else." She looked to her best friend and shrugged, "all in all I'd say you can be a bit harsh, but it's just a programmed response…I think this year is the only year where you've really taken it too far." Lily nodded, grateful for her friend's honesty. "So," Emma asked, "what brought this on?"

Lily paused before answering, "well, I left lunch to yell at Potter again because he ran out before we could do the prefect schedule. When I caught up to him," she hesitated, deciding to skim over this part of the story, "he seemed, different, I don't know…older or…stressed. I confronted him and it was like he just put on this mask of being totally OK. It was unsettling, like he did it all the time. Then I just told him we could do the prefect schedule tonight, and he acted like I'd just told him I wanted to marry him."

"Girls!" McGonagall cried out sharply after Emma collapsed against her desk in a peal of giggles. Lily's face burned red as the whole class turned to stare at them. "If you are quite through," the professor said sternly, "you might like to join the class. I expect better of you Miss Evans." She sniffed disdainfully and continued the lesson.

Emma sighed in relief and smiled bashfully at her mortified friend. "Well at least she didn't take off points," she whispered. Lily huffed.

Ten minutes after Transfiguration had ended found Lily walking to Dumbledore's office. When she reached the gargoyle guarding the entrance she was only slightly surprised to see James hurrying to catch up to her. He gave a short wave, apparently deciding to ignore her earlier niceness. She smiled back hesitantly, raising her hand in reply. He looked startled again, but got over it more quickly this time, opting instead to simply raise his eyebrow and give a light laugh. "I think you might've hit your head, Evans, so I'll let you in on a secret I think you should know: you actually don't like me very much," he said teasingly.

"Yeah well, it's not as though you've done anything this year to earn my usual treatment," Lily responded, noting that it was apparently her day to be embarrassed as a blush once again fought its way up her face. "At least not yet," she added with a bit of a stern glance, so as to not have him thinking that she was being nice because she liked him, or anything silly like that.

"Well, thank you," he smiled brilliantly then, and it caught her off guard. It was the first honest smile she'd ever received from him. Mostly he just smirked and grinned cheekily, but those expressions had nothing on his smile. She was shocked to find her heart beating fast in her chest, and had a new found respect for those girls who said that James was irresistible when he smiled. Stepping ahead of her, James spoke clearly, "Gumdrops." The gargoyle grudgingly let them pass.

As soon as they stepped into the office, a large phoenix headed straight for James. Lily wondered, not for the first time, how James had such a close connection with the beautiful beast. She supposed that that was just another one of the many things she didn't know about James. She wondered briefly how many other odd instances she had ignored in her quest to think of James only as an idiot who fancied her. James placed a large, strong hand on Fawkes's head and stroked the proud bird softly. Dumbledore was nowhere in sight, but as that wasn't that unusual, the two teens merely settled themselves upon two chairs in front of their headmaster's large desk. After a few minutes of awkward silence, Dumbledore entered the room through an unknown entrance. He looked unusually solemn.

"I'm afraid, Miss Evans and Mister Potter, that I do not call you here on Head business," he began. At his serious tone, both teens sat up straight and focused on him intently. "Miss Evans, you are in very grave danger. As I am sure both of you are aware, the terrorist known as Lord Voldemort grows stronger each day. His cause has, unfortunately, gained many dedicated followers. They have targeted your family, Miss Evans, in hopes of breaking muggle-born spirit. News of your prowess as a witch has reached father than you might think." Lily pressed a hand to her mouth, her eyes wide while James sat forward with his hands crossed. His whole body was tense.

"Your parents and sister are safe. They have been moved to a very secure location, and will remain there until it is safe for them to return home. Now, your safety would not normally be an issue: for as long as I am within these walls, no harm will come to you while you remain at Hogwarts. Unfortunately, I must attend to business outside of Hogwarts over the winter holiday. Therefore, you will be traveling to the only other place that I know you will be safe," Dumbledore turned his piercing gaze to James, who he had not so much as looked at since entering. For his part, James sat perfectly still, his eyes intensely focused. "James," Dumbledore addressed him casually, "I realize that many things weigh heavily on you now, especially at home, and for that I am most terribly sorry. Your parents have both agreed to take Lily into their home over the holiday, so she will be traveling back with you and Mister Black this winter. I hope you do not find this extra responsibility too much for you to bear, but know that you are not alone."

Lily looked shocked, but James merely nodded grimly. "I'll protect Miss Evans with my life Headmaster." Lily's eyes flew to his face at that statement, where her surprise only grew as she saw how completely serious he was.

"I am sure that you will my boy," Dumbledore agreed gravely, his hand clapping upon James's shoulder in approval, "but I will hope that it does not come to that."

The next hours had passed in a blur. Lily was not allowed to tell anyone, not even her closest friends, what Dumbledore had said. So consumed with worry for her family and for herself that it was not until she fell numbly into bed that night that her mind began to turn over what Dumbledore had said. _"I realize that many things weigh heavily on you now_" She wondered what he meant by that, and if it had anything to do with James's sudden change in attitude before sleep claimed her.


End file.
